Defeated Candidates Flock to Fox

For those smart investors who are puzzled by the ongoing farce known as the Republican Presidential Primary, let me explain.

First of all, the modern version of the Major Bowes Amateur Hour certainly is not about picking the best candidate to run against an incumbent president. No sane party would be shooting itself in the brain like this in public if it were serious.

After Iowa, they told us, it’s Romney. But no, they counted the votes wrong. It’s really Santorum. After South Carolina, it’s Gingrich. After Nevada, it’s Romney. Wait a minute. It’s a trifecta for Santorum in the northern Bible Belt (Minnesota to Missouri). The only constant in all this madness is that the sure winner is going to be The Man Nobody Really Seems to Want, because he is ahead in money and feet on the ground.

No, what the whole exercise is really about is helping Roger Ailes, CEO of Fox News, a subsidiary of News Corp. (NYSE: NWS), pick the star of the next hot new fair and balanced show. The job, I might add, is even better than president. It pays more, has more job security, and offers more exposure, in case the lucky winner of Roger Ailes Got Talent decides to run again in 2016.

For the past year, we have been watching auditions for the bauble. Momentum was shifting faster than a speeding bandwagon as the original nine dwarfs showed their repertoires on national TV debates. This candidate had the best straddle of an issue. That one was a leader in saying stupid or goofy things. Another had talent for putting the biggest foot in his mouth.

In the midst of a soft shoe number, in which a candidate appeared to be going forward while moving backward, the potential nominee would be shuffled off to Buffalo -- “given the hook,” as they used to say in vaudeville.

Who will be awarded the booby prize of following in the footsteps of the winners of the 2008 Roger Ailes version of The Gong Show? Sarah Palin, who had been the Fox News pin-up gal during the last campaign, got the chair of responsible journalism as a “news analyst,” taking a seat on the bench with such respected and objective analysts as Karl Rove. Mike Huckabee won a show in a ghetto weekend slot, when nobody watches Fox.

One thing is certain -- the winner won't be Rick Santorum, the only candidate with a truly Latin name. He is too boring for cable TV.

It won’t be Newt Gingrich. After this is over, he and Callista will be selling jewelry on a home shopping network.

Ron Paul, the man of principle, won’t sell out, unless he is offered a seat in President Romney’s cabinet. Doing what? Secretary of Defense or Treasury?

The leading candidate for the coveted Roger Ailes Trophy on my dope sheet: Michele Bachmann. I am rooting for her. Here are Michele’s qualifications. She is a mother. She is willing to speak out on any subject, even if she gets the facts wrong. She is a high-energy, cable-ready person who doesn’t need Red Bull. And have you seen those eyes? They sparkle on my HDTV. They make more sense than her brains. It wouldn’t surprise me, either, if she turned out to be a vampire, as well as a witch, both of which do well on TV.

But Vegas money is betting on Herman "The Terminator" Cain. Not only was Herman the Fornicator popular with women -- he seemed to have as many girlfriends as JFK, the way the debates were going -- but as a political prognosticator, he proved he has the solution to any problem, whether it's economic recovery, what to do about Iran, or being ready at any hour. He’s got a 99.9% chance of becoming our next Fox News star.